Thursday, January 27, 2005

on the record #4

...and you will know us by the trail of dead – world’s apart

admittedly, i entered the game late on these guys. from what i’ve heard through thoroughly unreliable and completely erratic sources, the self-titled record and madonna are much better than source tags and codes, which is where yours truly jumped on the band wagon. but that record garnered heaps of praise and really shot these fuckers to the semi-big time, so i was understandably siked to catch them on that tour, opening for the queens of the motherfucking stone age. with a name like AYWKUBTTOD [the D is apparently for dookie], i was prepared for a full scale riot and expected the show to be shut down early, leaving the sweating, bleeding mass of concert goers to wander the streets, smash the state, and worship the devil.

never happened.

i bought the record [source tags...] anyway, and quickly discovered that it made a fabulous coaster and/or frisbee for my dog. when i heard they had a new one on the way, i figured, what the fuck, why not download it…i mean buy it, why not buy it. give 'em enough rope...another chance even. yeah, and guess what the sucks. i can’t believe the second greatest band name in the world has been wasted on these mediocre, whitebread, chickenshit rich kids from the suburbs. yeah, i'm talkin' to you tough guy. wanna fight? fight me! [makes bruce lee noises and kung-fu sound effects like that dude from police academy]

stay away from this record…the first song sucks so bad that even i was embarrassed for them…and after years of exposure to the doktor, embarrassment doesn't come easily. please stop, please. couldn’t make it through the rest of the record. if anyone does, let me know how it worked out for you.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I would just like to point something out to all you faithful readers. J and I have been attending shows together since we were about 4 years old. Seldom have either one of us attended a show without the other being present. As a matter of fact, in 1985 we got kicked out of the Beastie Boys/Madonna show for threatening the beer man. NOT because he wouldn't sell us beer (Johnny had a perfect Pubert moustache complete with curl at age 10, along with a beer gut that can only be described as "unhealthy"), but because he wouldn't sell us more than 4 at a time. WE WERE 10 FOR FUCK SAKE! What was he tryin to say? We couldn't handle our liquer. Well, we showed that no-talent ass-clown. We wound up hijacking his car, beat him unmerciful and banged his wife right in front of him while he was lying in a puddle of his own blood and piss. Who can't handle their liquer? Limp-dick indeed!

But I digress. The point is, we've attended many shows. And this is what I've learned: if Johnny says it was a good show, the acid takes effect and two weeks later, it was lame. If Johnny says it was a bad show, two weeks later it was the second coming of Wham! (Johnny really likes them). There are a few exceptions. Queens of the mother fucking Stone Age. Radiohead. The Supersuckers. These were all shows that Johnny wouldn't dare to say a negative thing about for fear of me seperating his assneck from the rest of him. But shows that did make it: Social Distortion, Menudo, Douchebags For the Rest of Us, Big Gay (I didn't attend that one, but Johnny says it was fabulous), David Grey, Boyz to Men, Nalpalm Death, and Winger. So take all of this with a grain of salt, "people". And don't ya'll got something better to do than masturbate to all this? You're all filthy swine who should be beaten like a dog with mange...

10:19 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


just because my standards of judging a musical performance differ severely from yours doesn't mean you have the right to disregard my astute evaluations. allow me to retort...i, being of [semi]sound mind, evaluate the musical event in levels of rocking-ness versus sucktitude. you, on the other hand, judge a performance on how quickly you get to take your shirt off and dance with your "friends."

that said, i initially thought you were so into the QOT motherfuckin' SA cuz oliveri got naked...but when they played millionaire and you choked the bartender and lit him on fire...i thought, well maybe...but when you tasered the cops and jumped onstage and invited the crowd out back to smoke crack behind the dumpsters, then i knew you were in it for the rawk!

but the new trail of dead still sucks an ass

~ johnny cash money

11:28 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Apparently, you're just pissed because the ass they're suckin ain't yours.

And there were a couple more: A Perfect Circle, and Tool. Johnny wouldn't even think awful things about Maynard and co(s), for fear of being castrated... oh wait... I nearly forgot. Oh dear.

11:08 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

that sounds an awful lot like a challenge...

FUCK TOOL...over-rated, anal-sex-obsessed, ten-years-in-the-making-of-each-record, non-playing-their-best-song-ever-SOBER-live, arrogant, psuedo-intellectual, pompous motherfuckers. they should give it up and maynard should devote his full attention to a perfect circle.

doubt me?

i don't seem to recall tool introducing three songs entitled "this thing ain't gonna suck itself."

~ johnny wadd motherfucker

12:40 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You got a point with that one, yo. But is it really fair to attack Tool? No, of course they're not Social Distortion, there's only one of them... Thank God. Of course you all realize that after the Tool show, his truly (how fucking gay is that!?) was gushing (Gay. Yet agian.) over their live performance. No, my friends and wellwishers, what we have here is a complete moron... Need I say more?... wait till next time. The hammer drops tomorrow and there will be precious few that will rise from the barren wasteland unscathed.

I must smote my enemies!

7:53 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

How cryptic.


7:53 PM  

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