johnny goes to hollywood
picture wet black asphalt steam under yellow street lights across green grass strips between pavements. palm trees.
one car, parking lot.
strip bar.
“DRIVE!!!” the Doktor bellowed, “i know a place where the girls are cheaper.”
“no.”
“WHY THE HELL NOT?”
“we’re waiting.”
“WELL WHAT THE FUCK FOR?”
“will you stop yelling?”
“WHAT THE FUCK FOR?”
“…” the Doktor closed his eyes as he took a drink from his cup. i pushed the cigarette lighter in.
“man, i love me some bitches,” the Doktor leaned out an open window, “YOU HEAR THAT BITCHES? I LOVE YOU, BITCHES!!! HA HA!!! I LOVE YOUR TIT-TAYS, BITCHES!!!”
“…please…”
“I LOVE YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUCH…WHAT THE FUCK?”
“i’ll burn your retarded ass again if you don’t shut…”
“OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTHAT FUCKIN’ HUROOOOOOOOOOOOOOO”
“i warned you.”
“ok ok…fuck…why aren’t we moving?”
“we’re waiting. i told you.”
“you don’t seem like you’re having much fun tonight.”
“i am.”
“you’re not. the whole time we’re in there, you’re looking somewhere else.”
“that’s not true.”
“you’re acting like half-a-fag.”
“i’ve got shit to do.”
“well do it then, motherfucker.”
“i am. like i said, we’re waiting.”
“waiting on what?”
“the pick-up.”
“the pick-up?”
“yes.”
“what are we picking up?”
“nothing. we’re dropping something off.”
“what?”
“i can’t show you. it’s Preemo’s shit.”
“Preemo? i hate that motherfucker. hate that motherfucker, but I LOVE ME SOME TIT-TAYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOFUCK.”
as the Doktor leaned out of the window again, i took an unblocked shot at his left kidney. “i hope you piss blood for a week.”
“[whimper]”
“now…can't you just sit still for 10 minutes? when the pick-up truck pulls in, we wait until he goes inside. then, if everything looks clear, we get in the truck, call Preemo, and pull out.”
“what is this, some gangster shit?”
“no…it’s just a favor. now please, before we arouse suspicion. you wanna hit this?”
“never touch the stuff. you got any coke?”
“…”
“it’s just as well. i’ll tell you this, though. Preemo sure has some nice taste in rides.”
“yeah, it’s nice, isn’t it. he had the interior all re-done, new sound system, pop-out DVD in the dash.”
“word?”
“word.”
“well…let’s see what it’s like.”
true story, the Doktor pulls out a porno DVD from an inside coat pocket, and puts it in the player. Jenna Loves Brittany, or something like that. he puts on what he refers to as a “money track,” and proceeds to turn the sound system up to ear-bleeding country.
“those girls look really friendly.”
“YEAH!!”
“i bet she’s nice.”
“YEAH!!!”
“godDAMM!!!”
“YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAH!!! YOU KNOW, YOU WERE BEGINNIN’ TO WORRY ME, ST. CLAIR.”
whoop, whoop, red and blue.
“shut it off.”
“SHUT IT OFF? WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU, YOU SOME KINDA FA-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.” i got a good shot in that time. with any luck, he’ll be pissin’ blood for a month.
“just be cool.”
“be cool” the Doktor said rather incredulously, “be cool? motherfucker, i invented cool. you just let me handle this.”
“you just keep your mouth shut and don’t say…good evening, Officer.”
“license and registration.” it was the middle of the night, and this clown had on his mirror shades. Tread lightly, i thought, this could get ugly. i handed him my papers.
“you using your friend’s car?”
“yes.”
“I DON’T KNOW THIS MOTHERFUCKER, OFFICER,” the Doktor yelled from the passenger side.
“wait here,” he said and then disappeared from view until i could get him again in the side mirror and then the rearview. he must’ve called into Dispatch, and ran the plates from the car. he never took his eyes off of us.
“will you please reign in your drunk for a minute. get your fuckin’ head right.”
“listen, Johnny, i’ll handle this. you’re not yourself tonight.”
“not myself? not my fuckin’ self? do you have any idea what’s in this car?”
“no.”
“do you have any idea what Preemo will do to you if this gets fucked up.”
“what’s Preemo gonna do to you?”
“what?”
“no. what’s he fuckin’ gonna do to you? he can’t just fuck me up. YOU work for him. not me. i’m just an innocent bystander. wrong place, you know…”
“man. Preemo’s gonna shit. he’s gonna kill us.”
“make up your mind, dude. is he gonna shit or is he gonna kill us?”
“here he comes.” i tried my best to smile, seem contrite, “Officer. i know why you…”
“oh you do, do you?”
“I’VE NEVER SEEN THIS HOOLIGAN BEFORE IN MY LIFE,” the Doktor would not be hushed. i should’ve fuckin’ poisoned him when i had the chance.
“you boys have any guns in the car?”
“naw, ossifer,” said the Doktor, “they’re at home with the guns.”
“he’s a bit intoxicated,” i offered.
“oh no shit,” the Officer replied.
“yeah. it’s his birthday. thought i’d take him to the gentleman’s club. you know, see the sights. he doesn’t get out too often.”
“shut the fuck up, Johnny man. Officer, listen to me,” the Doktor began. “you wanna know why…”
“i swear to Christ,” i said.
“i’d love to,” the Officer said, “what are you two doing playing porno at 120 decibels in the middle of the…”
“…i’ll tell you why,” the Doktor continued. “i’ll tell you. listen, ol’ Johnny Hotcakes here, it’s his first time.”
“first time?”
“first time for what,” the Officer said.
“it’s his first time being out in the open. you know. it’s his first date. it’s OUR first date.”
“first date? what the fuck are you…”
“calm down, Johnny. it’s ok. he understands, don’t you Officer?”
“…”
“it’s our first date. isn’t that right, snookums?”
“don’t touch me.”
“don’t be like that. tell him not to be like that, Officer. there’s nothing to be ashamed of, is there? just two young lovers, out underneath the stars.”
“i’m not gay, sir. my friend, uh…i know how this looks…” i said.
“boy, you have no idea. then again, maybe you do. i got a good mind to lock you two up for…”
“lock me up, youknowwhati’msayin? HA HA. take me to jail. WOOOOOOO!!! Officer, we’re truly sorry, we didn’t mean no harm, did we Johnny.”
“i’m not gay.”
“don’t be like that. it’s hurtful.”
“i don’t give a fuck,” i said.
“but it is. tell him not to say that, Officer.”
“…”
“fuck you.”
“OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! now you’re talking.”
“look here, you two. i’m coming back around the block in twenty minutes. if you’re not outta here…”
“i appreciate the understanding, Officer.”
“now you two lovebirds just be on your way.”
“but Officer,” i said, “i’m not gay.”
“sure you’re not.”
“do i look gay?”
“…hey, look, whatever. there’s nothing wrong with it.”
“Johnny, hotcakes, the nice Officer is telling us to go,” the Doktor said. “don’t you get it? we can go back to my place, and…”
“i mean, Officer…do we…him…i mean, out of the two of us…if you had to pick,”
“i been listenin’ to you boys for about five minutes now, and i’m convinced that it’s been the gayest shit i’ve ever heard.”
“yeah, but, if you had to pick…” i said.
“if i had to pick what?”
“if you had to pick one of us for being gay…” i said.
“well, holy shit, son,” he said, a smile spreading wide over his teeth, “you look queerer than a three dollar bill.”
it was at that point that both the Officer, clearly impressed with his clever little simile, and that pigfuck Doktor both burst into laughter. they even shook hands through the open window. he left with a nudge and a wink, walking back to his cruiser and shaking his head.
“i can’t believe you did that. we could’ve been arrested. we could’ve been killed,” i said.
“just shut up, you gay motherfucker.”
“what?”
“you heard what The Man said. You’re the gay one.”
one car, parking lot.
strip bar.
“DRIVE!!!” the Doktor bellowed, “i know a place where the girls are cheaper.”
“no.”
“WHY THE HELL NOT?”
“we’re waiting.”
“WELL WHAT THE FUCK FOR?”
“will you stop yelling?”
“WHAT THE FUCK FOR?”
“…” the Doktor closed his eyes as he took a drink from his cup. i pushed the cigarette lighter in.
“man, i love me some bitches,” the Doktor leaned out an open window, “YOU HEAR THAT BITCHES? I LOVE YOU, BITCHES!!! HA HA!!! I LOVE YOUR TIT-TAYS, BITCHES!!!”
“…please…”
“I LOVE YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUCH…WHAT THE FUCK?”
“i’ll burn your retarded ass again if you don’t shut…”
“OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTHAT FUCKIN’ HUROOOOOOOOOOOOOOO”
“i warned you.”
“ok ok…fuck…why aren’t we moving?”
“we’re waiting. i told you.”
“you don’t seem like you’re having much fun tonight.”
“i am.”
“you’re not. the whole time we’re in there, you’re looking somewhere else.”
“that’s not true.”
“you’re acting like half-a-fag.”
“i’ve got shit to do.”
“well do it then, motherfucker.”
“i am. like i said, we’re waiting.”
“waiting on what?”
“the pick-up.”
“the pick-up?”
“yes.”
“what are we picking up?”
“nothing. we’re dropping something off.”
“what?”
“i can’t show you. it’s Preemo’s shit.”
“Preemo? i hate that motherfucker. hate that motherfucker, but I LOVE ME SOME TIT-TAYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOFUCK.”
as the Doktor leaned out of the window again, i took an unblocked shot at his left kidney. “i hope you piss blood for a week.”
“[whimper]”
“now…can't you just sit still for 10 minutes? when the pick-up truck pulls in, we wait until he goes inside. then, if everything looks clear, we get in the truck, call Preemo, and pull out.”
“what is this, some gangster shit?”
“no…it’s just a favor. now please, before we arouse suspicion. you wanna hit this?”
“never touch the stuff. you got any coke?”
“…”
“it’s just as well. i’ll tell you this, though. Preemo sure has some nice taste in rides.”
“yeah, it’s nice, isn’t it. he had the interior all re-done, new sound system, pop-out DVD in the dash.”
“word?”
“word.”
“well…let’s see what it’s like.”
true story, the Doktor pulls out a porno DVD from an inside coat pocket, and puts it in the player. Jenna Loves Brittany, or something like that. he puts on what he refers to as a “money track,” and proceeds to turn the sound system up to ear-bleeding country.
“those girls look really friendly.”
“YEAH!!”
“i bet she’s nice.”
“YEAH!!!”
“godDAMM!!!”
“YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAH!!! YOU KNOW, YOU WERE BEGINNIN’ TO WORRY ME, ST. CLAIR.”
whoop, whoop, red and blue.
“shut it off.”
“SHUT IT OFF? WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU, YOU SOME KINDA FA-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.” i got a good shot in that time. with any luck, he’ll be pissin’ blood for a month.
“just be cool.”
“be cool” the Doktor said rather incredulously, “be cool? motherfucker, i invented cool. you just let me handle this.”
“you just keep your mouth shut and don’t say…good evening, Officer.”
“license and registration.” it was the middle of the night, and this clown had on his mirror shades. Tread lightly, i thought, this could get ugly. i handed him my papers.
“you using your friend’s car?”
“yes.”
“I DON’T KNOW THIS MOTHERFUCKER, OFFICER,” the Doktor yelled from the passenger side.
“wait here,” he said and then disappeared from view until i could get him again in the side mirror and then the rearview. he must’ve called into Dispatch, and ran the plates from the car. he never took his eyes off of us.
“will you please reign in your drunk for a minute. get your fuckin’ head right.”
“listen, Johnny, i’ll handle this. you’re not yourself tonight.”
“not myself? not my fuckin’ self? do you have any idea what’s in this car?”
“no.”
“do you have any idea what Preemo will do to you if this gets fucked up.”
“what’s Preemo gonna do to you?”
“what?”
“no. what’s he fuckin’ gonna do to you? he can’t just fuck me up. YOU work for him. not me. i’m just an innocent bystander. wrong place, you know…”
“man. Preemo’s gonna shit. he’s gonna kill us.”
“make up your mind, dude. is he gonna shit or is he gonna kill us?”
“here he comes.” i tried my best to smile, seem contrite, “Officer. i know why you…”
“oh you do, do you?”
“I’VE NEVER SEEN THIS HOOLIGAN BEFORE IN MY LIFE,” the Doktor would not be hushed. i should’ve fuckin’ poisoned him when i had the chance.
“you boys have any guns in the car?”
“naw, ossifer,” said the Doktor, “they’re at home with the guns.”
“he’s a bit intoxicated,” i offered.
“oh no shit,” the Officer replied.
“yeah. it’s his birthday. thought i’d take him to the gentleman’s club. you know, see the sights. he doesn’t get out too often.”
“shut the fuck up, Johnny man. Officer, listen to me,” the Doktor began. “you wanna know why…”
“i swear to Christ,” i said.
“i’d love to,” the Officer said, “what are you two doing playing porno at 120 decibels in the middle of the…”
“…i’ll tell you why,” the Doktor continued. “i’ll tell you. listen, ol’ Johnny Hotcakes here, it’s his first time.”
“first time?”
“first time for what,” the Officer said.
“it’s his first time being out in the open. you know. it’s his first date. it’s OUR first date.”
“first date? what the fuck are you…”
“calm down, Johnny. it’s ok. he understands, don’t you Officer?”
“…”
“it’s our first date. isn’t that right, snookums?”
“don’t touch me.”
“don’t be like that. tell him not to be like that, Officer. there’s nothing to be ashamed of, is there? just two young lovers, out underneath the stars.”
“i’m not gay, sir. my friend, uh…i know how this looks…” i said.
“boy, you have no idea. then again, maybe you do. i got a good mind to lock you two up for…”
“lock me up, youknowwhati’msayin? HA HA. take me to jail. WOOOOOOO!!! Officer, we’re truly sorry, we didn’t mean no harm, did we Johnny.”
“i’m not gay.”
“don’t be like that. it’s hurtful.”
“i don’t give a fuck,” i said.
“but it is. tell him not to say that, Officer.”
“…”
“fuck you.”
“OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! now you’re talking.”
“look here, you two. i’m coming back around the block in twenty minutes. if you’re not outta here…”
“i appreciate the understanding, Officer.”
“now you two lovebirds just be on your way.”
“but Officer,” i said, “i’m not gay.”
“sure you’re not.”
“do i look gay?”
“…hey, look, whatever. there’s nothing wrong with it.”
“Johnny, hotcakes, the nice Officer is telling us to go,” the Doktor said. “don’t you get it? we can go back to my place, and…”
“i mean, Officer…do we…him…i mean, out of the two of us…if you had to pick,”
“i been listenin’ to you boys for about five minutes now, and i’m convinced that it’s been the gayest shit i’ve ever heard.”
“yeah, but, if you had to pick…” i said.
“if i had to pick what?”
“if you had to pick one of us for being gay…” i said.
“well, holy shit, son,” he said, a smile spreading wide over his teeth, “you look queerer than a three dollar bill.”
it was at that point that both the Officer, clearly impressed with his clever little simile, and that pigfuck Doktor both burst into laughter. they even shook hands through the open window. he left with a nudge and a wink, walking back to his cruiser and shaking his head.
“i can’t believe you did that. we could’ve been arrested. we could’ve been killed,” i said.
“just shut up, you gay motherfucker.”
“what?”
“you heard what The Man said. You’re the gay one.”
Johnny St. Clair wuz here at 11:58 PM
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[shakes head, fails to come up with a witty reply, and ultimately feels sorry for how retarded God made you]
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