professionalism 2.0: the sequel

FUX NEWS

We Report. You Agree.

good evening Pittsburgh. i'm Stagger Lee.

coming up: president bush oversees the re-imagining at Mount Rushmore, former hollywood star Bonzo named senator of Texas, and vice-president cheney visits the Pittsburgh area to cull the deer herd, but first...

an elaborate homecoming at a local firm for “one of the most savage and unnatural punks ever?" believe it.

despite recommendations to the contrary and a classification as a known morale problem, it seems Johnny St. Clair may indeed be headed back to his remarkably influential and wildly lucrative position at [deleted].

earlier today, a visibly intoxicated St. Clair arrived via limousine and was seen entering the company's Pittsburgh headquarters through the service entrance. escorted by a veritable battalion of armed security officers, he emerged several hours later, carrying two black satchels that overflowed with what seemed to be unmarked bills.

FUX NEWS reported just last week that Wayward Johnson, another employee at [deleted], had come under suspicion of running a stolen office supply / prostitution ring. what the imminent return of St. Clair might mean to the future of the company, and the U.S. economy in general, is anyone's guess.

we here at FUX have obtained an exclusive audio recording of what the coversation between St. Clair and company officials might have sounded like:

Ms. [deleted]: Mr. St. Clair, so good to see you.

Johnny St. Clair: [picks his nose] yeah, uh...this gonna take a while?

Ms. [deleted]: Mr. St. Clair, we would like this relationship to last a long, long...

JSC: yeah, well, i got shit to do.

Ms. [deleted]: of course you do, Mr. St. Clair.

JSC: yeah that's right bitch, Mister.

Ms. [deleted]: Mr. St. Clair, we are prepared to offer you...this.

JSC: this? this don't move me, money. this is chicken wing, new kick, cab fare, and movie money.

Ms. [deleted]: what?

JSC: small change.

Ms. [deleted]: we understand. rest assured, money is not an issue.

JSC: yeah? yeah. YEAH!!!

Ms. [deleted]: Mr. St. Clair, there is just one problem...

JSC: uh oh.

Ms. [deleted]: it's Mr. Johnson.

JSC: who?

Ms. [deleted]: Wayward Johnson.

JSC: who?

Ms. [deleted]: the Doktor.

JSC: oh. yeah, fuck him.

Ms. [deleted]: well, that's the real reason we've asked you back. it seems he's been using the office as his headquarters for some kind of ring...

JSC: look, i ain't got nothin' to do with that.

Ms. [deleted]: yes, but we thought you might be able to rein him in, so to speak.

JSC: i don't swing that way.

Ms. [deleted]: what?

JSC: no homo.

Ms. [deleted]: oh. oh my. [nervous laughter] of course...no homie.

JSC: homo.

Ms. [deleted]: what?

JSC: nevermind...listen. i'll do what i can...

Ms. [deleted]: and the things he's doing with the female interns...well, it's just deplorable.

JSC: fuck that. listen to me. where's that hardass.

Ms. [deleted]: ...

JSC: DON'T GIVE ME THAT SHIT...WHERE'S KICKASS? IS HE STILL HERE?

Ms. [deleted]: well...we're asking him back as well.

JSC: ok, but there's some necessary things you gotta get me for this operation. i'll need immunity. diplomatic and otherwise. plus keep that boss Kickass away from me. you know, protection. rubbers, too. plus bottled water. 24 bottles. what else...how about two gallons of red wine? ok? and a bucket of chicken...mix them shits up. i'll need a water pipe, too. an office with a window. some quiet time each day. get me a dog or something...some kind of pet. maybe a canary. i'll need a cadre of decorators here...i have very specific tastes. see what you can do about getting me some weed, you know, just to set out around the office in bowls and shit. like coldcuts. funk shway. yeah. get a sandwich ring, too. daily. around lunch time. you writin' this shit down? you better. i want some biscuits and shit for breakfast. bagels. smoked slamon. the whole shebang. lobster. pasta. get me a company car, too. big rims, rap shit...you know. what else?

Ms. [deleted]: oh, Mr. St. Clair, you just let us know.

JSC: oh, i will. and remember, i take suggestions, but you can't coach a genius.

Ms. [deleted]: oh definitely. oh Mr. St. Clair, we really hope you can do something with the Doktor.

JSC: who?

Ms. [deleted]: ...

JSC: AH!!! just kiddin'. listen to me, sister...i am, after all, a Reverend.

Ms. [deleted]: oh Johnny, this is the beginning of a brand new day!!!

JSC: hey baby...she's new every time.

stay tuned, folks, this could get kinda weird.

i'm Stagger Lee.