professionalism #8.5

"if you could get a miniature cow, would you keep it as a pet?"

"What?"

"a miniature cow...you know like a toy poodle...what if they had a miniature cow?

"are you stoned?"

"no...i'm just sayin'..."

"where does some of the shit you think up even come from?"

"i'm serious...you don' t think that's cool? a little cow and shit."

"a small fuckin' cow...that's not bad..."

WHAT IS GOING ON OUT THERE? HELP! GET THIS THING OFFFA ME!

"calm down m'am...we have to be very careful getting this off of you."

WHO IS THAT? IS THAT YOU, JOHNNY? OH THANK GOD...HELP ME...MY ARM!

"M'am...i'm gonna need you to calm down..."

is that wayward?

"yes m'am..."

AAAAAGH! HELP! IT'S THAT MANIAC! HELP!

"johnny, help me grab that other side."

"chill out...this is your chance to make amends..."

AAAAAAAGH! HELP! HELP!

"just GRAB THE OTHER SIDE!"

we manage to right the machine with little effort outside of trying not to laugh. our boss shifts from the floor to a position on her knees, her arm still wedged precariously inside of the snack machine.

NO! AAAAAAAGH! NO!

"m'am let go of the snickers bar."

NO!

"it's over Jeanie! OVER!"

NOOOOOOO!

"now come on now...come on sweetie...come on...yeah that's it...let it go. just let it go. that's it. see...that's it...see...all better."

oh guys thanks...i think i had an episode there...i have low blood sugar, you know.

"sure you do."

oh johnny...you're so understanding...and wayward...oh wayward, i'm so sorry for everything that happened. how can i ever repay you boys and be assured you will keep your fuckin' mouths shut?

"now calm down m'am...there'll be plenty of time to discuss that...say around, i don't know - 2:30?

OH! thank you, thank you!

"that's right...now, pull your hair back...i'm gonna take a picture for the insurance company. these machines can be dangerous. no no...you look fine. ok...look straight ahead."

SNAP!

professionalism #8

in the corner of the hallway by the breakroom, there is a potted rubber plant. milkman, the maintenance guy, told me he picks his nose and wipes the snot on the leaves. i always like when people touch it and wonder aloud if it's real.

anyway

i laughed at the plant and rounded the bend, heading towards the breakroom. there are three glass windows that look into the room from the hallway. mid-stride, first window, i catch a glimpse of our boss on her knees near the snack machine. her arm is into the machine up to an elbow, and apparently stuck like a frog's ass on a frying pan. i immediately ducked down and summoned the doktor via cell phone. he arrived directly.

"ok...i really don't think i need to know why you're on the ground, so i'm just gonna..."

"shut up and get down you fool!" i hissed.

"hey...that fuckin' red-headed cuntrag is..."

"SHUT UP!"

"no, johnny, for real...you have to see this! she's stuck like a..."

i sprang forward from my crouching position and caught him with a shoulder to the gut. "STAY DOWN," i said, "we need to figure out a plan."

"get the fuck off of me."

"what are we gonna do?"

"about what?"

"about the boss."

"you're insane."

"that's not the point...did you see her?"

"oh yeah man...she looks like a fuckin' gorilla."

"yeah man," there was a thump and a few muffled grunts from the breakroom. "hey, did you hear about the gorilla at the zoo?"

"what gorilla?"

"you know...that one...the old male gorilla. he died."

"no shit."

"yeah...what the fuck was his name?"

"who?"

"the gorilla."

"you're stupid."

"huh? dammit...anyway, yeah...the gorilla died. they said that the other members of the gorilla family were walking around all sad and shit, touching the big gorilla's body ever-so cautiously, trying to help him get up. it's quite poignant, you know. it gets me right here..."

"yeah...sure...you bet."

"you have no heart."

"what the fuck am i doing down here on the carpet anyway?"

BANG BANG BANG

"did you hear that?" i said, "do you really wanna get up now and risk being spotted? USE YOUR HEAD MAN!"

"what's the plan?"

"mimbo."

"the fuck is mimbo?"

"mimbo...that's the name of the old gorilla that died."

"fascinating."

"yeah right...mimbo." another series of loud bangs and more mumbled syllables. "mimbo...i remember back like in the early '90s, i read that some animal behaviorists worked extensively with mimbo, eventually teaching him sign language and even how to paint."

"how to paint?"

"how to paint...it's fuckin' amazing, isn't it?"

"oh yeah...send that fuckin' monkey my way...he can paint my house."

"i'm serious...they taught the gorilla how to paint. the power of creative expression in an animal. that's powerful...i mean, think of the insight we could gain. what would it reveal? i mean, all sorts of secrets, truths, maybe even a greater understanding of who we are. it's heavy shit."

"you're delusional, i think...get some sleep, it's much easier on your constitution."

BANG BANG BANG

"damm...she really is pissed in there...we should definitely begin to think how we're gonna deal with this situation. i have some room left on my camera phone. missing this picture would be inexcusable," the doktor said.

"you know what the gorilla painted?"

"what?"

"bars."

"bars?"

"fuckin' bars...the bars of its cage man...i mean, that poor creature had that ability and that's all it could do."

"it should be a lesson to us all."

"you're goddamm right."

"no eternal reward will forgive us now for wasting the dawn."

there was a series of gut-wrenching squeals...hard rubber on linoleum...weasels in the picnic basket...metal rending...feral cries..."HELP! HELP! HELP!"...muffled by the floorboards.

"my god...i think she pulled the machine down on her."

i peered through the windowpane. half of her pink carcass oozed out of a black polyester dress, her arm bent precariously across her body. her red hair spilled from underneath the machine like motor oil on shag carpet.

"for fuck's sake...she pulled the machine on top of her."

"she must have really wanted that snickers."

"it's safe...i think we can go in. but don't talk. i don't want her to know it's us. and get your camera ready."

"shouldn't we call maintenance? or an ambulance?"

"for what?"

truly our brothers' keeper

"st. clair..."

"AH! Reverend st. clair, dear doktor...i'm a member of the ministry now."

"yeah, listen..."

"you don't fuckin' believe me?"

"about what?"

"i'm a minister."

"yeah..."

"i'm not fuckin' kiddin'...this isn't some kind of sham...i'm a legitimate man of the cloth. i didn't choose this, it chose me!"

"it's not polite to go around fuckin' with religion."

"i'm not, my son. well, maybe just a little...look, don't put it like that. it doesn't sound so good when you put it like that. i thought that..."

"yeah fuck off."

we round the bend and step confidently off the sidewalk. there is no talking here. the red bricks of these walls are wet...spot the sun's light through the fog in this city. the hard cadence of imitation leather footsteps rises quickly and finds us in the alleyway, turning...

"...i finally caught up with you," the man says between breaths, "i have to talk to you! you're a man of the cloth..."

"you see," i say to the doktor, "you see! you thought i was kidding." i turn to the man...he has been in the rain. his glasses are broken, his hair is a mess, and his hands shake like restless birds at his sides. "yes, my brother..."

"Reverend, i seek forgiveness," he said.

"my son, be still, tell me..."

"oh for fuck's sake...you really are serious, aren't you? you're a cold, evil, darkness, black magic motherfucker," the doktor said.

"Silence! can't you see i've work to do here?"

"oh no...don't let me stop you. i'll be over here, way outta the way of the lightning bolt."

i turned. "my son, continue..."

"oh Brother st. clair...i don't know how it's come to this...i had in my heart what i thought were the purest intentions...but i think i have been deceived...oh my..."

"STOP YOUR CRYING! IT IS WOMANISH! now...up on your feet!"

"oh Brother st. clair...how can i ever be forgiven? i feel that all the waters of the Earth could not wash these hands clean...everything they touch...defiled...oh what have i done, what have i done..."

"my child, be still. come clean."

"Reverend, i vote republican..."

"oh my."

"yes...you see! and that's not all! oh no! i have a copy of rick santorum's book...and it's AUTOGRAPHED!"

"yo st. clair, you know what a santorum is?"

"I'VE GOT NO TIME FOR THAT NOW! YOU," i turn away from the doktor, "YOU...continue."

"Brother, you know the republican national committee meeting?"

"go on."

"Brother, i helped bring that here!"

"oh my goodness."

"i told you...oh...I TOLD YOU...i told you...why...oh why...oh why..."

i walked to a downspout in the corner of the alley. it was spilling rainwater onto black pavement. i washed my hands and looked at the doktor. we knew the business was about to get ugly, but such is the profession of ours.

"my son, i'd like to introduce you to the doktor."

"yeah...introduce that motherfucker to me."

"Oh Reverend, thank you, thank you! do you think he can help? what is he a doctor of?"

"Yeah...what the fuck are you a doktor of?"

"abberant behaviors."

"fascinating."

"yeah...hey you, douchebag, you're coming with me!"

later, between the screams of that filthy little weasel, i heard him moan, "st. clair, i thought you were a man of the cloth?"

i didn't respond. he should have known that while i may be a man of the cloth, i am a man of God first.

on my stereo...

fuck it man...the news gets me so down. and i 've been reading about reagan and ollie north and pappy bush. television has wiped out our memory. i need to chill out and get my head around how i'm going to build an art collective for change in this town. so in the meantime, i'd rather rock some:

1. baby i love you so - jacob miller
i dig that old '70s reggae, when it was all dirty soundin' and rough. augustus pablo on the mix...but this is just a prelude for...

2. king tubby meets the rockers uptown - king tubby and pablo
the dub version of baby...widely regarded as the finest example of dub music. the cut that you would play if someone wanted to know what dub is about...yeah, i'll go with that...top five at least.

3. in the ghetto - big joe
if dj was your trade around jamaica back in the '70s, you were laying tracks at king tubby's studio. at least that's what i heard.

4. welcome to jamrock - damian marley
still rockin' it homeboy!

5. world in trouble - ranking joe
motherfucker, ain't it though...and nobody seems to give a fuck.

6. no no no - dawn penn
i thought i heard this was recorded back in the '60s. the beat and the bass line are so badass, they'd hit your mom with a forty bottle when she wasn't looking.

7. rain all night - don carlos
i like this shit you know...raining all night, no lights at the house, no bed in your room...but keep on keepin' on brother...it'll all work out.

8. dolly my baby - supercat
takes me back to my youf.

9. no holding back - wayne wonder
have you noticed? i've been real careful with punctuation marks. especially those at the ends of sentences. WOW! did you notice? i hope you did. it's all for you, you know. it all is.

10. hey girl - damian marley
it sounds good cuz it's got that 'slick' sound to it. it's just the kind of shit i like to hear when i'm wrapping presents or breakdancing naked.

11. got it twisted [marley remix] - mobb deep
a 'could you be loved' remix...it's fun sounding, like a party's goin' on...but then i realize it's mobb deep and the lyrics are probably about killin' some motherfuckers.

12. shook ones, pt.2 [marley remix] - mobb deep
'i shot the sheriff' and then i shot EVERY motherfucker in the place!

13. the corner [remix] - common, scarface, mos def
remember the geto boys? of course you do. hey, i just noticed...this playlist is really heavy on the reggae and rap. forgive me. it's a direct reaction to the steve miller / eagles overload i was on last week.

14. pocket full of stones [chopped and screwed remix] - u.g.k.
listen...i ain't mad at you for not tryin' my drink. i'm tellin' you...it works and works well. but if you are too scared, or have to work or something, this song's sound approximates what you'd feel like. also similar to the angel dust buzz in a way, i suppose.

15. lucifer - jay-z
yeah man...i wanted to put that max romeo song on, but i'm making a concerted effort to throw on some more american music. you know what i mean. i don't want my neighbors gettin' too complacent. you know...they can handle the reggae, cuz when it talks about revolution, at least it's in another country...but when i throw the rap records on, and they hear "fuck the police," well, then that's a different story. fuck it man...i'm about to get my black flag records out!

16. the stopper - cutty ranks
whew! that was a close one. back to my youf again...

17. untold stories - buju banton
i'm a sucker for the acoustic guitar. and i edited out that stupid gospel breakdown / talking thing in the middle of the song.

18. thank you - louque
see...i did the right thing and bought his record after i downloaded the tracks off the internet and then i happened upon this song - a live jawn and acoustic to boot - just the type of thing that i would tack on to the end of a burned CD and tell all my friends it was the rare australian pressing. wait a minute, no one i know would give a fuck...

19. badfish / boss dj - jack johnson
jack covers sublime with mostly his guitar, and a little bit of the drums and bass.

20. greatest hits - g love and special sauce
"hey everyone, look! it's that dude from the fuckin' lame ass coke commercial covering sublime. what a loser! let's got to a&f and buy a sweet trucker hat." fuck it g...you gotta pay the bills somehow.

21. 420 - part one tribe
these guys are gettin' there. this song is so good, it makes you forgive the band for calling it '420.'

so there you have it...whatever it is...get a doctor to take a look at it. maybe you can get a prescription for whatever it is. and if you get a chance, expose it to some sunlight. nine times outta ten it'll clear it up.

take my word for it.

The Reverend Johnny St. Clair

you know...my man said to me this evening, he said, "Brother Johnny...you can make weddings, funerals, baptisms, and house blessings your business now."

and to him i replied, "my son, i am after something far greater."

"is it to do that which is right, as long as it does not infringe on the rights of others and is within the law?"

"what?"

"please! tell me, Brother Johnny...what will you do? will you plan a murder? start a religion?"

"no my son...now that i am a legally ordained minister, i can provide the instant absolution of sin."

"ahhh...i see...the illegal we do immediately."

"yes, my son...but the unconstitutional takes a little bit longer."