Wednesday, February 16, 2005

on the record #5

queens of the stone age - lullabies to paralyze

i stole this off the internet the other day…i was all like “i’m takin’ this shit…what,” and the computer was all scared. ha ha…you should have seen it. fuckin’ faggot-ass computer. i pulled my guns and shit…what the fuck was it gonna do. know…i'm a beast, yo. hell to the motherfuckin’ yeah!

so i burned it then taped it…i like to play my records on my old boombox. it helps me keep up my street cred. henceforth i got all loaded cuz it was the afternoon and took my boombox and went and sat in the grass to groove on the new rawk. there was a cop car in the parking lot, and a k-9 was in the back.

i’ve often wondered if the dogs were trained for specific purposes…i mean, are certain cop dogs drug dogs as opposed to, like, the type of dog that they sic on the fugitives? or are the dogs multi-purpose…meaning they can sniff out the ya-yo and the dude hiding in your backyard under the plastic baby pool? that seems like the logical route…you want the dog that can pull double duty, right?


so i push play to get the new queens rollin’ on my stereo…lannegan opens up with some slow, waltzy, folksy number. sounds like french quarter back alley dumpster sludge heroin. it’s not that bad, but who the fuck decided to open up the record with this number…i mean, look at the openers from the past: regular john, feel good hit of the summer, millionaire…apparently the k-9 shared my perplexiosityiousness, because he picked his ears up and cocked his head to the side. the back window was cracked and i went [makes that sound that gets a dog’s attention]. the dog yelped a coupla times then cocked its retarded head to the side again, and held it there with a kind of confused anticipation until the song ended.

for a moment, it was strangely serene.

the clicks of sticks that open “medication” got the k-9’s attention, and while the bass rumblings below the feedback might be a gram less drug-addled since oliveri split / got the boot, it still felt dangerous. by the time the fuckin’ gee-tars blew the doors off the motherfucker, the cop dog was going bananas in the backseat, gnashing its teeth, and licking the window.

the cop came running back to his car to check on the dog, which had gone completely ape-shit, running back and forth in the backseat and rocking the car. he wanted to know what i had been up to, and he sweared to “fucking christ" that he was gonna open up the back door and let the dog loose. he muttered something about never seeing the beast in such a state, and sure enough, when he lifted the handle, the dog made a bee-line for me.

at least i thought it was me. he actually ran right for the radio, stopping momentarily to sniff the radio’s ass, then circling wildly and yelping.

“you sure you ain’t been smoking any drugs?” the cop asked. “are there any drugs hidden in that radio?”

i just shrugged my shoulders and shook my head. the cop moved in to stop the dog and regain some semblance of control, but i stepped in front of him and waved an open palm slowly from left to right.

“the dog is causing no harm,” i said.

“the dog is causing no harm,” he said.

“let him go for a while,” i said.

“i’m gonna let him go for a while,” he said.

“you don’t mind if i drink a beer,” i said.

“no…go ahead.”

the k-9 continued to circle and yelp…and by the time “little sister” made it onto the box, the dog apparently had enough. it tried to hump my boombox, and when that effort proved futile, it lifted it’s leg and took a piss on the speakers.

i don’t know about you or your mammy, but that’s a punk rock show of approval if i ever saw one.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I warned him. I warned him. Its all right there in the post. I smote my enemy. SMOTE HIM GOOD. Silly little f.....uckhole. I will return with my own QOTSA sum-up.

Yo! Johnny. Did you get that dogs digits? No? Then where ya been? I ain't seen you since the "you-know-what". Get your head outta whatever little stink cloud you got it in and send message by camel. The ones with two lumps if possible...they're so funny and they spit.

9:58 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

dude...i totally missed the 'smote' reference. when i originally read it, i simply assumed you misspelled 'smoke' as in "the dok loves to smoke the cock."

my mistake...and i paid for it.

and now it's on, motherfucker. this is some east coast - west coast, biggie -vs- tupac, suge and dr. dre shit. someone gotta go!

know thine enemy!

~ o.j. st. clair

7:57 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

He's yellin at me, mother fucking me, he's gonna blow my brains out (he's so gay) and blah, blah, blah.

You gonna bark all day, lil doggie? Or are you gonna bite?

They asked me, "Why doctor? Why did you do it?" To which I replied, "Because I'm the doktor, and it's my doodie."

12:28 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

And Oliveri would want you to know that he got the shaft...fuckin shame it is.

12:33 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey fuckie, you're right. You don't know about my mammy, but I sure as fuck know all about yours. One gopher a week (on average), and she's all smiles. Occasionally she'll go for two.

12:36 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


i DO know about your mother and the bitch owes me money...

and for what you said, i'm bangin her extra hard in the mouth tonight


~ johnny sanchez

10:37 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

this record is as good as a thousand kittens curlin' up next to your balls!

~ tyrone biggums

9:24 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yo! Johnny! You're writins must be fuckin wit my mind yo! I woke up last night (yet again) because in my dream, a woman with strange pets was there. And her sabre-tooth bear was gettin way too friendly wit me. I was very scared that I was gonna get my throat ripped out.

Shit. I even turn on sabre-tooth bears. I'm a smooooooooth pimp of love. And you're all my black man-servant.

What den!?


Please don't mention the pig-woman. That shit ain't funny.

9:58 PM  

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