professionalism - episode #5

"we gotta get a gang name."

"what the fuck are you talking about?"

"look around these hallways...this is dangerous ground."

...gray dividers and blue-gray carpet...gray mid-morning light from the windows...bottles clink...was that a tumbleweed in the distance?

"you're stupid..."

"look around you man...we gotta be careful...gotta be smart to get back home."

"you're insane..."

"huh?"

"insane"

"what?"

"what are we standing here for? you first."

"did you ever see that movie The Warriors?"

"no"

"there is this gang, the Warriors."

"no kidding"

"yeah...and there is this big gang meeting...and at the big meeting, the big gang leader gets killed...and the Warriors get blamed. but they didn't do it. it was another gang. the Warriors was framed yo."

[blank stare]

"yeah and all the gangs are coordinated"

"what?"

"like clothes and shit...their whole theme is the same."

"their theme? oh yeah...real fuckin' gay."

"whatever dude...the fuckin' Warriors...they had to battle their way all the way though new york and shit...all the way to the beach."

"sounds stupid."

"it's the best movie ever..."

"come on"

"i'm serious...there was this one gang that was real dumb and real weak...they were the Orphans. the one dude was like 'nobody messes with the Orphans.' man...that shit is so funny."

"we don't need a gang name...if there was another dude besides me...like if i wasn't here...if it was just you and another dude..."

"yeah"

"you guys could be the Ambiguously Gay Duo."

"that's good"

"yeah...or Buttman and Throbbin."

"that's pretty good...did you come up with that yourself? or did you steal it?"

"Buttman?"

"no...the other one."

"no i stole that."

"figures"

"you guys' secret hideout could be the Manhole. it would be like a deep, stanky tunnel."

"that's fucking nasty..."

"yeah...Buttman this is Throbbin...there has been an explosion at the Manhole. we've blown an o-ring!"

"you think i'm kidding though...this is hostile territory in this office space. tread lightly, grasshopper, there are enemies all around. that's why we should get a gang name."

"i'm witchu yo"

"yeah...i wonder what Cyrus' gang was called."

"who is Cyrus?"

"nevermind...at the end of that movie, the real dudes who shot Cyrus follow the Warriors onto their home turf...and this one weasly dude is like Warriors, come out to Plaa-ay...and he's clinking these empty beer bottles together...come out to Plaa-ay."

...a flashing shock of orange-red hair...ugly bull-head...man-torso...

"my...you gentlemen seem to be having quite the time," she said.

"good lord, what is that?"

"mr. johnson...do i need to remind you that there is a deadline on your project and there are certain guidelines of decorum that you must adhere to while entertaining clients..."

"hey listen...whatever they said, that guy's a fucking liar..."

"...AND IN THIS OFFICE, mr. johnson. your language is filthy, and for christ sakes, clean up those pants," she hissed as she walked away.

"you see what the fuck i'm talking about? we need to be a gang."

"alright dude...i told you...i'm down like the ground."

"that's what you say, but are you ready for this?"

...black plastic handle...from the small of his back...two metal rods at the top...two clicks, two crackles, two flashes...

"that's what the fuck i'm talking about...300,000 volts motherfucker..."

"shut up...300,000 volts could power this whole building or something. that's like more than enough for an electric chair"

"that's what the box said...300,000...i'm serious man, this is enemy territory, and i don't want no beef, but if the shit's goin' down, then i'm ready..."

"let me see it"

"be careful"

"hey check it out..."

...an unsuspecting co-worker...back turned at the water cooler...two metal rods, two clicks, two crackles, two flashes and the shock of his life!