professionalism #20

“what time is it?”

“3:30.”

“is that it? it feels like we just got back from lunch.”

“we did.”

“we should have taken longer.”

“yep.”

“this is bullshit. i should’ve entered the real estate market in Puerto Rico along time ago. this one guy i know, he…”

“i can’t take this,” i say.

“what you got? you don't want it? i’ll take it.”

“no. this meeting,” i say. “this bullshit. i’m leaving.”

“you’re leaving?”

“later on,” i said, and pushed my chair back and walked towards the doors, adjusting my tie on the way out. i kept my head lowered, but not down. i didn’t look anyone in the eye as i headed out, but i didn’t look away either. breathe slow, i thought, you’re almost out.

through the glass, i could see this girl – vaguely Asian, long hair, glasses, a bag slung over one shoulder – with her hand on the door handle. she was coming in when i was going out. i opened the door and smiled, held it, waited until she was safely inside, then ambled back to my seat next to the Doktor. i knew that i wouldn’t be getting out of this any time soon.

“what happened?” he said.

“what do you mean? didn’t you see…”

“you’re pathetic. remind me to find someone else if i ever need to break out of jail. you don’t have the stomach for it. sometimes, you just gotta be raw. you know what i mean? RAW.”

“i’ll keep that in mind.”

the Doktor was working himself into a frenzy, or perhaps just devolving into some kind of methamphetamine delirium. “you gotta do more than keep it in mind, son. you gotta live that shit. LIVE IT!!!"

“alright. fuck. live it raw. i gotcha.”

“hey…watch this.” it was then that the Doktor stood up from his seat and looked at this lady from accounting sitting next to him. “no i DO NOT want to hear a black joke,” he said. “do these people even KNOW you fixed the Final Four pool this year? hmmm? well i think maybe you should TELL THEM!!!" breathing heavily through the mouth, he went on to accuse her of insulting his ancestry, of defecating in her pants, and of stealing his office supplies. he even threatened to turn her in for blowing the janitors for five bucks a pop in the mop closet. the old lady, clearly confused and insulted beyond repair, headed towards the door, with the Doktor in hot pursuit.

strangely, few in the room seemed to even notice.

i had just found that girl in the sea of brainless heads in the room when the Doktor reappeared at the conference room door. the head of Security pushed him back into the room and quickly disappeared. the Doktor let loose a forlorn roar.

“hey,” he wailed, “there’s no surprise party in here for me!!!” he came back and took the empty seat next to me.

“man, you’re like fuckin’ Steve McQueen,” i said.

“what’s that supposed to mean?”

“you’re like…i don’t know…like fuckin’ real smooth. subtle. nice job escaping. that old bird is probably overdosing on cheesecake as we speak.”

“fuck her,” he said, “she gives shit blow jobs. five bucks my ass. hey…gimme some of that water.”

“no,” i said, “no. you can't have any of this. you got some shit on your lip anyway.”

“come on dude…i’m thirsty.”

“no.”

“give it.”

“NO!!!"

“GIVE IT!!!"

“why you…”

in the process of wresting the half-drunk water bottle from my hand, the Doktor managed to empty its contents onto my lap. my crotch. it looked like i pissed myself.

“look at this. i’m a mess.”

“you ain’t kiddin’. you’re a train wreck. clean yourself up. it looks like you’ve been masturbating. you’re knuckles are white from inner tension. where’s your tea shades. YOU’RE A DOPE FEIND!!!"

“well, i’ve got a legit reason to leave now,” i said.

as i was walking towards the door, i was trying to survey the damage done. i didn’t notice the girl – the one from before – arrive at the door at the same time. i looked up and met her eyes. her’s went right to my crotch. she raised her eyebrows and clicked her tongue as she rolled out of the room.

“hey,” i yelled after, “hey it’s because that water was cold. seriously.”

i stood there in the low lit hallway of corporate America, trying to figure out where it all went wrong and where to go next. after brushing my pants a few more times, i turned towards the stairwell to make my escape. before i turned the handle on the door, it popped open to reveal that old lady from accounting. there was a gang of old bitches with her, and i’d quickly surmised they were out for blood, whipped into some kind of atavistic fury from the Doktor’s slander and his certain failure to pay the hooker tab.

their eyes met mine and then went down to my crotch. and then they came back up. i barely heard the old bag yell “GET ‘IM GIRLS!!!" and they were on my like a pack of hyenas, clubbing me with their umbrellas and handbags. they chased me back towards the conference room, and sent me backwards into the room tumbling.

“PERVERT!!!" they yelled, and slammed the door behind. the Doktor slid down his chair and huddled nervously on the floor. i could hear them yell from the hall, “LET’S FIND HIS FRIEND…HE’S PROBABLY PEEPING IN THE LADIES ROOM AS USUAL!!!"

“godamm,” i said, sizing the bump on my head, “they don’t play around.”

“no they don’t,” the Doktor whispered, “and they’re anticipating my next move. we’ve got to leave here immediately and we’ve got to be careful.”