on the record #9

yeah man, so i had this one gig writing for Rolling Stone for about a minute, but i had to get out of there. all those newspapers have ugly print…yeah…no, seriously…it was actually a minute. but i did manage to walk away with a ton of records and even some advance copies. and when i say walk away, i mean was chased from the building by armed officers. the following is submitted for your perusal, and to prove how hip i am by having an opinion on all this “cool” music.


catfish haven – please come back [EP]

why do i think this is swampy? i would say it’s garage-y, but catfish don’t live in no garages. and once they’d start flappin’ around and shit - getting’ all tangled up in the chords - there could be an electrical storm or something, the likes of which we haven’t seen since jupiter crashed into the moon. but it would be tasty. i love electric-fried buttered-ass lollipop catfish almost as much as i like this record. and by almost i mean you’re a fuckin’ biznatch. WOOOOOOOOOO!!! FLA-VER FLAV!!!

the strokes – first impressions of earth

yawn…yawn…yawn…this must be the theme from the Dinah Shore show. i wish these guys would at least play “rawhide.”

j-dilla – donuts

his soul is but a little ways above our heads. an instrumental hip-hop record. rumored to be produced from his hospital bed. really liked his work on common’s like water for chocolate and the slum village stuff. need to listen to this one, too. check one two, one two who got more styles than st. clair do?

jack johnson – curious george soundtrack

just shut up.

various – ?uestlove presents babies making babies#2…no more babies

if volume one was the “quiet storm” love jamz, then this is the break-up record [henceforthwithallessly the title]. 70’s soul slow stone grooves for the most part. never heard much of it before, but i recognize the names. he must have went all deep into the album cuts for this one.

the minus 5 – the gun album

not sure if this is the title or not. there’s a big pistol on the front cover. but it’s not a sex pistol…cuz if it was a sex pistol, it would spit all over ya!!! HA!!! get it? you lousy fuck. i wish this record came with a real gun, so i could shoot it at the speakers when this turd is playing.

tv on the radio – return to cookie mountain

been looking forward to this one. first track is a killer. i keep thinking of saul williams. at least these guys are doing something new, though i don’t see it causing a revolution or anything. and that’s the nut of it all, ain’t it? you know why the revolution will not be televised? it’s because the first revolt takes place IN YOUR HEAD!!! that, and the cable bills are fucking outlandish. ARE YOU LISTENING PRESIDENT GORE?

mozez – so still

didn’t listen to it.

gnarls barkley – sampler

i am really diggin’ the name. it’s begging for a lawsuit…good for them. they should call the disc “the round sound of getdown.” matter of fact, if you see these bastards, tell them that’s what i said. i ain’t lookin’ for money. just, you know, have them dedicate the record to me…something simple like, i don’t know, “to my homebizzle from way back in the dizzle, thanks for helping us get rid of the body,” or something along those lines. shit is decent, but the violent femmes’ cover blows like a flute with no holes, naamean?

curt kirkwood – snow

fuck him. oh. oh my. i’m sorry. you know…i shouldn’t be so flippant. this is a respected artist, one who is continuing to explore the boundaries of music, of words, in an attempt to put out something not only of artistic merit, but of commercial merit as well. eh…fuck him anyway.

the raconteurs – steady, as she goes [EP]

ooooooo…jack white is in this band. apparently with some other rockstars. decent enough that’ll i’ll pick up the full-length when it comes out. and if that’s not a fuckin’ stamp of approval, then your mother sucks eggs. austin powers from oasis said jack white looks like zorro on donuts. HA!!! the gay blade.

the twilight singers – powder burns

this may or may not be the title of the record. who gives a shit. muchas guitars, señor…do you have penny? chopstick, 29 cent…HURRY UP AND BUY!!! tell you what…even if this isn’t the title of the record, its still got cocaine all over it. the Doktor, he doesn’t like cocaine…he just likes the way it smells. thank you. a round of applesauce for mr. st. clair everyone…he’ll be here all week. try the veal. it’s delicious. it was fed milk until it was anemic and forced to live its short, miserable existence in a squalid stall of its own filth. you can REALLY taste all that care. record is decent, but it didn’t get to me like blackberry belle. continues to be very cinematic, in a 25 cent porno flick kinda way.

gomez – how we operate

hot damm ho here we go again!!! after all those years of watching television when i was a yute, i never – NEVER – knew gomez addams could kick that shit like he does all over this record. wednesday and pugsley are holdin’ it down, keepin’ it righteous, you know, uncle fester really shines like a lightbulb in the mouth and lurch…fuckin’ LURCH…i mean, don’t even get me started on lurch. caught them live a while back, and morticia is fine…she shakes that thing like she just made bail. dita von teese and the suicide girls ain’t got nothin’ on morticia…NOTHIN’!!! buy this when it comes out…you can’t miss it…it’s got that thing thing flippin’ the finger right on the cover. plus they’re hairy like cousin it.

alright. my sincerest regards. stay well. good luck. i gotta get outta here. i get the feeling there's gonna be a riot.