when the rubber hits the road...the curse of Kornheiser...mad cow comes to Pittsburgh...drifting into unacceptable gambling habits

“Locker Room.”

“hello?”

“who’s this?”

“it’s me. wow. that’s how you answer the phone now, playboy? huh? that’s what’s goin’ on in the streets? the ‘Locker Room?’”

“oh. uh, hey Johnny. you’re catching me at a bad time. i’m really kinda busy over here.”

“what, you got a party over there? i’ll be right over.”

“NO!!! no, don’t come over. uh, listen…we’re really kinda busy over here.”

“who’s ‘we?’”

“uh…you know, just a couple of us guys…hang on. GO GO GO GO!!!”

“the fuck is that about?”

“it’s my turn to host the fantasy football league.”

“really.”

“yeah…we call it the Sunday Blow-Out.”

“i bet you do.”

“hang on again. hey, no. no, that’s not true. he can squat way more than that. 350. 400 even. look at him. he’s got awesome gluets. seriously. no…”

“dude…”

“one sec…ok. that’s better.”

“hey how come i’m not in that league? wasn’t i supposed to be…”

“ROLL THE DICE!!! ROLL THE FRICKIN’ DICE!!!”

“hello?”

“DAMM!!! crapped out again.”

“what are you, the Dungeon Master?”

“oh, sorry Johnny. what did you say? i didn’t hear ya…”

“wasn’t i supposed to be in the league, too?”

“well, yeah, but we found a couple of other guys.”

“oh yeah? i’da done it.”

“well yeah, but you probably wouldn’t have had much fun any- HEY, NOT ON THE COUCH!!! NOT ON THE COUCH!!!”

“you mean you and your boys didn’t want me?”

“no, it’s not that. hey, look. we’re sorry.”

“you…you guys don’t think i’m gay enough?”

“hey, first time for everything. and don’t get too down on yourself. there’s always next year.”

“i’m not sure how i feel about this.”

“hang on…do NOT touch the cheese curls. no, no. not until you get some hand sanitizer. yeah, it’s on the table near the wet bar. yeah, yeah that’s it, right next to the sesame oil. i dunno…ask one of the cabana boys. listen Johnny, i gotta go…”

“yeah. go nuts.”