meeting expectations i was trying to ignore

i would like to take as much credit as possible for Pittsburgh’s recent christening as “America’s Most Livable City.” obviously my suavity and charm have helped bring sexy back to the area, and we haven't even gotten into the quality weed supply i locked-up for the area well into the next decade. no, sir, the real nut of it all in this recent spike in the local quality of living is due in no small part to my manners. i liken it to a pebble in a pond, really.

give ya an example. the Doktor and i were enjoying the early summer vibes the other day in his car when i brought up a recent invite to a dogfight and asked if he was down. “you’re a pig,” he says, “the worst kind.”

“i know it’s fucked up,” i said, “but it might be something worth checking out. and there’s always those cockfights, too.”

“homo?”

“no, no. those chickens, roosters. remember i told you? that kind of cockfight.”

“you’re disgusting,” he said, “if you keep talking like that, i’ll throw you out of the car and run you down like a rabid animal in the road.”

"you're very angry."

"i am fuckin' not."

"you're too aggressive behind the wheel. you've got a love affair with the brake and gas. i'm over here either pinned to the seat or bracing myself against the dashboard. there's no in-between with you."

"these people," he said, waving a hand in front of him, "they desevre to die."

"Jesus Christ."

"it's true," he said, "they're brainless. look at this one!!!" at which point, he goes into an explitive-laced tirade that involved multiple gestures and facial contortions and ended with something like "cockass."

"that's it!!! that fucker's gonna die!!!" he said as he pulled in front of this car and put on his brakes. a rather large man with long hair and a faded black, sleeveless Skynyrd t-shirt jumped out of the car behind us and approached the Doktor's vehicle with what looked like a chain wrapped around his fist.

"relax," i said, "i'll handle this. you're in no shape."

"good idea," the Doktor said, "i'll get my pistol ready."

i hopped out of the Doktor's car and smiled at the guy, quickly running around the side to cut off the stranger before he got to the Doktor's window. "what's the problem?" i said.

"you want some?" he said.

"some of what? no no no. look, my friend in there, he just..."

"outta my way, boy."

"boy?"

"i fucked guys like you in prison."

"you did what?" i asked, incredulous.

"i said i fucked guys like you in prison. and if you don't get outta my way..."

"what? you're gonna fuck me?"

"no, i..."

"i mean, if that's the way you swing, you know, that's cool."

"what? i ain't gay."

"well you just told me you fucked guys like me in prison. that's pretty gay."

"listen. things happen in jail."

"so it's like Vegas?"

"what? no. i mean, when you're in there, you do things..."

"how long were you in there?"

"90 days."

"wow."

"shit is real."

"90 days? you couldn't wait?"

"what you mean?"

"you jumped right into it, huh?"

"hell yeah."

"well, i'm flattered i guess, but you know...sorry to disappoint."

"look motherfucker, i told you..."

"yeah. i know what you told me. and the Doktor over there, he ain't gay either. least not most of the time. so you might as well take yourself back to you car over there, and run along."

"yeah. Yeah. YEAH!!! punkass. that's what i thought."

"sure it is. and thanks for the compliment. i guess."